I’ve noticed many people want to be more confident in certain situations, to manage themselves more confidently in challenges or difficult meetings or conversations.
Perhaps you want to push yourself in ways you haven’t in the past. You know that being more confident will allow you to be more successful at creating the results you want.
So you decide to build and develop confidence to accomplish this. You feel great about this choice.
For a little while. Then…something happens.
Instead of Being Confident, Fear Sets In
Our brains let us know not to be too confident because we don’t want to come off as arrogant.
As soon as we wrap our head around the idea of growing, of doing something new, different, even scary, or unusual, outside of the box, outside of our comfort zone, fear kicks in a little bit harder.
Our mind shouts to us: don’t be too cocky, don’t come off as arrogant.
It shouts further: arrogance would be seen as intimidating, unlikable, not belonging or accepted. We freeze.
The minute our brain fears the idea of not being accepted, we slip into that fight, flight, or freeze survival mode to keep us safe again.
In this case, FREEZE.
Staying Safe in the Comfort Zone
We freeze because:
- we don’t want to become arrogant
- we’re becoming confident
- acting like anything that could be perceived as different than how we have been in the past might result in our not being accepted by the group
We remain frozen in place. We do not move, grow, or leave our comfort zone. It’s too scary, risky, and simply not worth it.
The brain has accomplished its job. It has kept us safe from risk.
Freezing prevents us from:
- growth, change and pursuing what we most desire
- our bigger goals
- doing what we know in our wisest minds is best for ourselves and others
Our brain convinced us that confidence is somehow bad by relating it to arrogance.
Now it’s time to face the truth: The brain just played a trick on you.
Its intentions are good, but…
So how do we move forward?
Confidence: It’s Not Competitive. Really.
Pursuing a path outside of your comfort zone to grow, by being willing to fail and feel all of the emotions that come with it willingly.
It is not about believing in your ability to do something you’ve never done.
It is about believing in your ability to feel and experience everything that comes with it on the journey, no matter what they are or how bad it feels.
Confidence has absolutely nothing to do with anyone else at all. It is not competitive.
What others do, the journey they take, where they end up, is not your concern. You can be happy for them and be happy for yourself – because they have nothing to do with each other.
Confidence is 100% about the relationship you have with yourself.
It’s about trusting yourself to know that you will be ok when it gets tough, when you fail, or when it’s humiliating or embarrassing. It’s believing in your ability to manage your mind no matter what happens. It is about knowing that it is worth the journey.
Confidence is your willingness to feel and experience all that comes as you enter uncharted territory.
Arrogance: The Polar Opposite
Arrogance is a journey and destination that causes others to suffer in the process. It pushes others down along the way, ensuring they do not succeed in their journeys.
The truth about arrogance? Someone who is arrogant lacks confidence altogether.
Those who are arrogant are very fearful of feeling negative emotions in whatever they do, such that they operate defensively and from a survival mode.
A confident person is willing – and strong enough – to take it all on no matter what to grow. An arrogant person is not. And because they lack confidence, the only way they can see to protect their emotions is to prevent others from reaching their goals.
- operates in emotional childhood
- is a primitive way of thinking
- isn’t conscious mind management like confidence is
- is a subconscious survival operating system that does not typically result in growth, evolution, or the maximum accomplishments available to a person
- ensures that a person is kept small
Arrogance also proves repeatedly that because you don’t trust yourself to handle anything that comes along, you must instead limit others.
Because you don’t trust in your ability to achieve and manage your mind, the only way to ensure others don’t succeed is by keeping the game field smaller. Fewer players and smaller fields mean fewer opportunities and smaller growth.
Self Confidence is NOT Arrogance
On the other hand, confidence:
- encourages self-growth
- builds trust in oneself – because you successfully managed your mind through the emotions of one issue, you will be able to do it continually to accomplish and grow more
- requires you to manage your mind for what it will take to accomplish big things for yourself
- allows you to grow in ways that will astound you!
When you take your journey and meet others along the way, you know that they are on their own path, too, confronting their own pitfalls, problems, and obstacles. Their journey has nothing to do with yours.
Achieving your goal doesn’t mean you would not want others to reach their goals as well. Their progress has no impact on preventing you from yours, and vice versa.
Questions to Ask Yourself About Confidence
When you tell yourself that you don’t want to be confident and come off as arrogant, what are you really thinking now? Which one do you think you would be? Which one do you want to be?
If you are afraid that others will not accept you or your style, why would that be?
Maybe building your confidence is work you need to do, to build trust in yourself and a willingness to feel failure.
Are others threatened by you if you are approaching situations as if you don’t want them to succeed as much as yourself?
Perhaps you need time to decide how much you are willing to achieve. You need to mull over the emotions of the process, the finances, and possibly the real physical risks. Deciding what you are willing to take on as risk- emotionally, financially, and physically is valuable work to do as well.
Tips to build your confidence:
- build trust in yourself to be willing to fail
- want it for yourself no matter what
- stop paying attention to what others are doing
- establish a relationship with yourself
- manage your mind around it all
- make decisions about all the risks
That is confidence. And it keeps getting bigger and greater for you the more you work on it.
We’re here for you every step of the way on your journey towards success and can help you thrive at Strive Coaching Studio.